I just learned this old Billie Holiday song today after hearing some seven year old Norwegian girl sing it Norway's Got Talent. It turned out pretty well… I should probably sing it when I'm really depressed. The subject matter is basically grief… a woman's lover has died and she wants to join him. I do have days like that sometimes.
This girl is very good…kind of a deep subject for a seven year old, though. I predict she'll go far.
I have written before on this blog about my dealings with clinical depression. Fifteen years ago, I kind of wanted to die. If I'm honest, that is a thought that passed through my mind every night… I thought my life was meaningless and I was a real pain in the ass to a lot of people, in particular, my parents…
What's funny is how my perspective has changed. In 2013, I don't see myself as a pain in my parents' asses. I think they're glad I'm here. I turned out to be okay, anyway. Maybe I'm not the smartest, most beautiful, most talented kid they could have had… but I didn't grow up to do anything particularly embarrassing. Hell, some people think I'm quite smart and talented. My great husband loves me, anyway… and I know my parents adore him.
I ended up with such a wonderful husband… how? I don't know. He's wonderful in so many ways. Fifteen years ago, when I was feeling sad and worthless, I had no idea that this man was going to be in my near distant future. And now, we've been married eleven years. I can't say I don't still have my depressive moments, but they are much fewer and further between than they used to be. And one thing I can say that I gave to my husband is the gift of music, because I promise you that his exposure to music has increased greatly since he's known me.
I want to also say that I was able to share music with the man who helped me get over depression. We are now friends, since I haven't been his client in years. Not long ago, I introduced him to the gorgeous tune "Highland Cathedral"… which I discovered as I was coming out of depression. It's become sort of my personal victorious anthem and means a lot to me. My former therapist happened to read a blog post I wrote about "excellent" Christmas music and was introduced to that marvelous tune by German composers with a love for the Scots. He shared it with a Scottish friend and sent along the man's comments…
And it occurred to me that in some small way, I'd had a positive impact on someone else's life. I had passed along a small gift. The holidays are tough for so many people… and that includes me, even though I am much happier now than I once was. Never underestimate the impact you may have on someone's life. It could be as small as introducing them to a wonderful piece of music or saying something that makes them laugh… or even just saying something nice that they always remember when they feel down. Never forget that even when you feel like the lowest life form on the planet, there is someone out there who will be glad you're around…
Even though, as I write that, I know that when you feel that way, you just don't see that there's a big picture that you're missing… you may not see it for years. But I have been where you are and sometimes I still visit. And you need to remember, that when you are in that place, there's a way out of the basement. When you get out of there, you will find a different perspective. You will find there is something you have to share with others. It could be as small as a song… or as big as a donation to your favorite charity… but it has worth, and so do you…
I've spent a good portion of this morning writing a review of Stevie Wonder's iconic 1976 album, Songs in the Key of Life. I'm not going to re-review the album here, because you can just follow the link to read that. Instead, I'm going to write about a few songs from that album that touched me at a time when I was drowning in a sea of depression, anxiety, and despair.
If you have read my other blogs, you may have read a couple of posts about my bout with clinical depression back in the late 1990s. In truth, I was probably depressed for a good portion of my life before I got treated and, though I feel a whole lot better today than I did back then, every once in awhile those old feelings still threaten to come to the surface. In 1998, they were especially acute and there were many days when I actually felt suicidal. Even though I was only 26 years old and had a lot going for me, I didn't feel that way at the time. I felt like a burden to other people. Sometimes, I felt crazy. I would get emotional for no apparent reason and the smallest and dumbest things would send me into a crying jag.
At the time, I felt stuck. I lived with my parents and saw no way to break out on my own. I didn't have many friends or a love life to speak of. The college degree I had worked hard for and was still paying for was not paying off for me in terms of a good job. The two years I had spent in Armenia apparently meant nothing to prospective employers. I worked hard at a job I absolutely hated... although I eventually got fairly good at it and it helped push me toward better things and meeting people who came to care about me.
My parents had kindly allowed me to live with them, but they made it known that I wasn't really welcome. I got the sense that they thought I was a failure and an embarrassment to them. I used to find the classified ads on the kitchen counter, left open to apartment rentals with likely prospects circled for my convenience. I understood and shared their frustration, but I felt paralyzed. That's what depression really felt like to me in those days. I felt like an incompetent mess... worthless, unlovable, and unloved. Moreover, my father was (and still is) an alcoholic and back in the late 90s, the addiction was getting worse and really affecting his behavior to a point at which we fought a lot.
Fortunately, the job I hated so much paid enough so that I could get health insurance. When I had a very minor car accident in my parents' driveway, resulting in a dent in a visitor's car, I called up a therapist someone from the local Adult Children of Alcoholics group had recommended. I saw Dr. Coe for the first time in August 1998 and I credit him, and his colleague Dr. Lee, with helping me get over depression. Dr. Lee was the psychiatrist who found the right antidepressant for me. I didn't really care for Dr. Lee's personality, but I do appreciate that he was a competent doctor who undeniably helped me at a time when I felt desperate and hopeless. And today, I count Dr. Coe as a friend, if only on Facebook.
Besides competent professional help, I found a lot of healing in music. I didn't have the time or the money to do a lot of fun things back in those days, but I did have an extensive music collection. And at that time in my life, I discovered Stevie Wonder.
Okay, so I already knew Stevie Wonder's music... what person who was around in the 70s and 80s hadn't heard of Stevie Wonder? But I didn't actually own any of his albums until the late 1990s, when I heard the song "As" on my sister's radio and decided I had to have it in my collection. I knew the song was sung by Stevie Wonder, but I didn't know the title of the song, so I kept buying albums until I finally stumbled on Songs In The Key of Life. That was the album that spawned "As", but there were also quite a lot of other songs on it that were comforting and meaningful to me during a time when I needed wisdom and clarity.
Three songs in particular helped me with depression. The first one is "Have a Talk With God".
I'm not a particularly religious person. I guess I could call myself "spiritual". I'm not a churchgoer, but I'm also not quite an atheist. I think there's value in the concept of God. Stevie sings:
"When you feel your life's too hard, just go have a talk with God."
I'm not sure those words caused me to pray anymore than I might have, but they did impart the wisdom that I should share my problems with someone who could help me. That's what I did and it really helped.
The next song is called "If It's Magic".
I remember attending an Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting around the time that I was listening to this album a lot and bringing up the lyrics to other people in the group. The song is about recognizing that love is special and should be protected. The words to that song are noble and poetic and full of truth. I had self-worth and could move past this difficult place I was in.
The third song, of course, is "As".
"As" is a song about unconditional love. It's a religious song, in that Stevie sings that God created everyone for a purpose and knew what he was doing when he put each person on the Earth. Again, it brought home the idea that my life had meaning and purpose and I meant something to someone, even if I didn't realize it at the time. I had no way of knowing that the following year, I would meet my future husband online and make an enormous positive difference in his life... and he would make just as much of a positive difference in mine. If I had succumbed to the suicidal thoughts I was having at the time, it would have altered his future. Maybe it would have been even better had I not come along, but somehow I doubt it.
There are other songs on that album that are special to me, though not necessarily because they helped me get past depression and anxiety. I have always loved "Love's In Need of Love Today" for its urgent message to the world that we need to be more loving and decent to each other.
I love "Isn't She Lovely" because Stevie managed to capture the joy of becoming a parent in a moving way. I will never be a parent, but when I listen to that song, it makes me feel an inkling of the magic of a parent and child.
I got teary listening to that song this morning... It really touches me.
And I love "Sir Duke", just because it's a very cool song about some great jazz musicians... and it reminds me of England...
I don't know if Stevie Wonder has any clue about the people he's touched with his music. He's definitely had his share of things to deal with, as have we all. But I have to say, listening to his masterpiece album makes me realize that a person can touch and move other people in ways they'll never know. Every person matters in some way. If I can get that lesson just from listening to Songs In the Key of Life, I'd say it was probably one of the best purchases I've ever made.
