More poor duet etiquette...

Not long ago, I posted some open duets on SingSnap.com.  I got a few takers, including one guy from  the States who sang "Unforgettable" with me.  I don't often do that song, actually.  I'm kind of thinking maybe I shouldn't have done it, now.

Yesterday, I got home after spending the long weekend in a lovely medieval German town.  I don't usually check SingSnap on the weekends, even if I'm at home.  I don't look at it at all when I'm out of town, mainly because I go on that site to make recordings.  I'm not really there to make friends or listen to other people... and while it's nice when people listen to me, I don't necessarily expect them to.  I sing there as a form of mental health therapy.

I do occasionally like to do duets, though.  Sometimes I run into some good singers and it's fun to collaborate with them.  On the other hand, sometimes I also run into people who are tone deaf in more ways than one.

Last night, I got a message from the guy who did "Unforgettable" with me.  He was wanting to know if I'd like to sing "Vaya Con Dios" with him.  I saw the message, but didn't immediately respond because I was busy with other things.  And basically, he'd invited me to check it out, which I figured I was at my leisure to do.  Imagine my surprise when I got another message tonight...

I have to admit, this message kind of made my heart sink...

First off, I don't like it when people want to assign me songs.  It's happened on more than one occasion.  I like to choose the songs I sing, and the duets I do.  It's one thing if I 'm participating in an activity that I signed up for.  It's another when some random person I don't really know wants to assign me a song.  In my mind, the original message was an invitation to see if I wanted to do a duet.  I figured it was my choice whether or not to take him up on the invitation, especially since we don't know each other at all.

Secondly, I only just saw the first message last night.  I've been out of town.  I get that this dude doesn't know my schedule... but maybe that's the whole point?  He doesn't know me, and apparently didn't take the time to read my profile, where I explicitly state that I don't check the site on weekends.   That's my time with Bill.

I also don't get notifications for anything other than comments on recordings because every notification generates an email and they can become excessive.  If I wanted to, I could set up my account to be notified by email for everything-- when someone likes my recording, when someone likes a comment I left, when someone makes a comment, for private messages, for responses to comments on the messageboard, etc.  It can add up to a lot of distracting emails.  It got to be too much, so I drastically cut back on what I wanted to see.  It's worked out to be a lot nicer that way.

Consider that when I make duets, a lot of times I do more than one.  Sometimes I get several takers, all of whom expect me to listen to the whole song, which I admit I rarely do, and leave nothing but gushing feedback.  That can add up to a lot of listening, sometimes to singers who are physically painful to hear.  The guy who wrote to me this time wasn't, as I recollect, a bad singer.  He wasn't that great, either.  I can tell by the comment I left him, although I'm not inclined to listen to a bunch of his stuff now that he's demanded to know why I haven't responded in a timely enough manner.

I'm sure many people would say my attitude about this is shitty and I should be grateful that anyone wants to listen to me, let alone sing with me.  Um... but while I do enjoy nice comments as much as anyone does, I sing more for myself than I do for anyone else.  Duets are fun, but I'm not seeking approval when I sing.  I'm seeking mental health and stress relief.  Getting pushy private messages from some guy wondering why I haven't dropped everything to respond to his PM is kind of creepy and rude.  It makes me think he's not a very nice person.

Anyway... I can't say I am inclined to join this guy in any more duets.  I feel like that would only encourage this kind of behavior.  In fact, now I kind of feel like blocking him.  But I know some people would fault me for that, too.

I have no manners...

I stumbled across a funny discussion on SingSnap this morning.  Someone was gently sounding off because she had joined people on their open duets and they had not commented or thanked her for joining them.  The thread is actually a couple of months old but it's still getting comments.  I generally don't participate in SingSnap discussions.  I kind of try to keep a low profile there because I mainly use the site to practice music.  I do sometimes post open duets and sometimes I get good participation.  Sometimes no one joins me.  It's okay either way, as far as I'm concerned.

Generally speaking, when someone sings with me there, I do leave a comment thanking them for joining me.  Sometimes, if the person does a really good job, I'll say even more.  Sometimes people who sing with me have very little musical talent and it's actually kind of painful to listen, but I appreciate that they liked my duet enough to join me.  So I usually say "thanks" and leave it at that.

However, there are times when I don't comment.  Sometimes, people on SingSnap can engage in annoying behavior.  I don't want to encourage them to engage me, so I may not say anything about a duet they've done with me.  Last fall, I posted on this blog about my SingSnap pet peeves.  It actually felt good to write that piece because I really do try to be nice 90% of the time.  Even when I'm not nice to someone who has annoyed me somehow, I usually feel kind of guilty about it.  And believe me, there are more than a few people on SingSnap who can be very annoying and childish.

Anyway, one poster pretty much summed up how I feel about comments on SingSnap.  I kind of "know" this person because I once sang in an online trio with her.  She has a very good voice and no doubt gets a lot of people duetting with her.  She basically said that people shouldn't get all bunged up about who thanks them for joining them in duets.  She said that people have lives.  Sometimes people die.  Sometimes people are sick or tired or otherwise unwilling or unable to comment.  Sometimes people don't want to respond to someone because they're being annoying or engaging in harassment.  Her advice to the people who were upset about not being thanked was to just get over it and not let other people steal their joy.  Most of the time, the lack of a comment is not at all personal.

I noticed that no one had this lady's back, so I commented that I agreed with her that people should just enjoy SingSnap and not take offense where no offense was intended.  Yes, it takes just a minute to type "thank you" as a comment to someone.  But when someone has done a dozen duets with you in one day, that kind of thing can get old really fast.  Because people usually expect you to listen to the duet, too.  Given that songs can run several minutes and some people are, quite honestly, unpleasant to listen to, that can be a very painful exercise.

I am in the camp that prefers a sincere comment to one made strictly out of a sense of duty.  I figure anyone can type "thank you"; but if that's all you have to say, why bother?  Especially if you aren't actually thankful?  Aside from that, while I may be guilty of getting my panties in a twist about a lot of things, I sing on SingSnap strictly for fun.  I don't have the energy to waste worrying about who thinks I'm a good singer.  I don't have the time to worry about who thanks me for singing with them.  I sing there because it's good for my mental health and promotes creativity.  It's something I do for myself.  Singing on SingSnap is a mostly solitary activity anyway.  

I used to get notifications every time someone liked my song, commented, duetted with me, or sent me private messages.  After awhile, the notifications got to be very excessive, so I turned off most of them.  I even turned off the messages I'd get when someone duetted with me because sometimes there would be a lot of them to wade through.  I'd get the email from SingSnap, plus a comment and/or a private message.  That would end up being three emails for one recording.  It got pretty annoying after awhile.

Now, I check my "featured on" page every day.  Most of the time, if someone sings with me, I will listen and comment.  Sometimes, I don't, though.  I think that should be okay.  People shouldn't feel entitled to a virtual pat on the back.  And if someone gives you one, it shouldn't be because they feel obligated to.  I value a sincere, genuine, expression of gratitude and friendship over a fake one.  A fake "thank you" means nothing to me.  

So the lady who had been arguing with my trio friend basically said that people who don't comment are "rude" and have no manners.  I guess that's me.  I wrote that she and I have a different opinion about what rude and disrespectful behavior is.  But that's okay, since the world would be a very boring place if everyone agreed.

Her response?  "No, it wouldn't LOL."

How rude.